Heartbroken

As I work these late nights at work, with nothing going on and no one around besides myself, I can't help but think about what my life might be like with children.

With there being a possibility that I will never have kids, a sad feeling rushes upon me. Every plan that I have ever created for myself includes a child. Will I have to recreate 23 years of planning because of this? I don't think I would ever accept the fact that I couldn't have kids if it came to that. I would continue to think of my life with children in it no matter the diagnosis.  There has got to be a miracle left in this world for me.

I am not a very religious person, yes I believe in God and yes I think that there is something after this short time on earth however other times I just don't understand. I believe in God, but if he is as great as well all think he is, then why is there so much suffering in this world? I don't think a mercyful God would let this go on. Every time something bad happens, I can't help but think "why would he let this happen to me?"

At one point in my life, I did loose faith for a while, something really terrible happened to me, that I will live with the rest of my life, and I just couldn't understand why he would let a terrible person live free and well on this earth and let that terrible person hurt another, one that gave her all to others. I was angry at God for this. It wasn't until I started dating my now husband, and I started to go back to church with him again. But I have never had that connection that I once had with Him. A part of me still doesn't understand why he would put me through that.

I am at that point again in my life now. Why would be bless these couples that don't even want children, who are and will be bad parents to the miracles they are bringing into this life? Why would he give them this amazing opportunity and gift but not us?

I think about children everyday. I plan for that day to come. I have room that I even call the babies room, it doesn't have anything in it, but I already painted it the colors that I want and everything. How is this fair?

I can't help but imagine what my beautiful children will look like. Will they have my eyes? Will they have his height? Will we have a boy or a girl? I want so bad for it to just be my reality vs my nightmare. Sometimes I dream that I am pregnant and I am the happiest that I have ever been, but then I wake up with empty arms and my heart breaking.