Officially Labelled!

Today is a very sad day. My wonderful husband and myself are dealing with a very silent and heartbreaking situation that completely crushes us.  It is something that no one likes to talk about, so family and friends have no idea what we are going through.  It is called infertility.

Today marks the one year anniversary of us trying to conceive a little Bundle of joy.  In the medical field, after one year of trying and no results you are officially labelled as infertile.  This scares the crap out of me.  What if we can never have kids?  It is something that I havealways wanted. The one thing (besides my hubby) that I know is something that I am passionate about.  I want to be a mother.

At every family gathering,  someone has to ask, "so when are you guys having babies" or even "your not getting any younger." I don't blame them because they have no idea what we are going through but it does absolutely tear me apart.  Sometimes I am tempted to not even go to such faMily gatherings because I don't want to be asked those questions.

Another thing that I can't stand, but always seem to put myself through, is looking at the baby section whenever we go to a store. I have even on some occasions purchased a onesie or so.  A little joy for a short time but then pure sadness for the fact that I may never have a child to wear that.

Each day it seems like more and more of my friends get pregnant.  I don't know why I put myself through it but I can't help but look at every pregnant belly picture that they post.  I am happy for them but I also get really jealous and someTimes get angry with them.  Some of them weren't even ready for a child,  it was an accident. How can that even happen.  I find myself mad at God at times because I don't understand why he would bless someone who isn't ready, not financially secure, doesn't have two parents who would give it their all a child but doesn't want us to have one.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life but I find myself sad a lot. I have so many good things happening in my life, like our new house, or celebrating our two year marriage anniversary but this is all that I can think of.

I wouldn't be against adopting but I want to have that special bond that only comes from being your child for nine months and going through that pain to bring them into this world.

Why not me? I would be a fantastic mom.

Well hopefully it will happen for us, but for now I guess we will suffer in silence